A blog about earning your mom stripes, one blow out diaper at a time.

Month: July 2016

See A Sky

It’s 7 o’clock. Peter is putting things away in the shed. I’m trying to convince a “not tired” two year old to come in the house, but the makeshift sandbox in the backyard is like his Call of the Wild. Tired and frustrated, I storm across the yard.

“Elliott, it’s time to go inside,” I say.

“No inside. Play a sand,” I hear in return. And so it begins.

“No, buddy. It’s time to go inside. You’ve played in the sand enough,” I say. Secretly, all I’m thinking about is how I hope he’s clean enough to where I can just dust him off and avoid a bath, because at this point, I’m exhausted. The last thing I want to do is bath time. As I’m standing there silently calculating my evening, I hear something.

“I lie down.”

No. NO. Nooooo. Just like that his hair is full of sand, sticks, and crusty old flowers. My plans of just dusting, no bath are going out the window. I’m about to reach down and yank him out of the sandbox when, staring up at the sky, he starts talking again.

“Oooo, pretty trees. So many weeves. Ah-yet see a sky. A cloud in it.”

I stop and look up. He’s right. The trees are beautiful, full of green summer leaves, the evening light shining through them in shades of orange and yellow. They’re set on a perfect backdrop of blue sky, just a single white cloud floating in it. I look back at his little face, sticky and sandy, mesmerized by the show that nature has put on just for him. For a single moment in his otherwise wild and crazy day, he’s peaceful. Still. Happy.

I let him keep his head in the dirt, and I sit next to him. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve done it, but I spend the next few minutes quietly looking at the sky. Then, just like that, he’s up and racing around the yard again. But for a moment, we both stopped and were silent. And for a moment, I was reminded of the beauty of summer evenings, courtesy of my tiny wild man.

Ok, not the evening I reference. But it's my boy in nature, which is close enough.

Ok, not the evening I reference. But it’s my boy in nature, which is close enough.

 

Turning Two

7L5A1180I’m feeling emotional. My boy just turned two. He went from a fluffy haired baby to a tiny person with loves and hates and opinions. He loves Dinosaur Train, anything with wheels, and dirt. He hates beans (green or otherwise), diaper changes, and “the clapping song” (S.O.B. by Nathaniel Rateliff and the Nightsweats). It’s the cliche of all cliches, but it’s going by so fast.

We had a party for his birthday that was full of sand, dump trucks, and barbeque. The kids all ended up dirty and covered in frosting, so I feel like it was a success. But, I think we’re all going through birthday withdrawls. E just walks around saying things like, “where Teeny go?” and “I go to Matt and Tara’s house,” and “I want to open presents.” The Monday after your birthday party is a pretty rough time for a two year old. Actually, when I think about it, it’s pretty rough time for anyone.

Of course, I made sure to take all the pictures. So many that every time I picked up the camera E would look at me, frown, and say “no more pictures, mommy,” with all the attitude of a Hollywood A-Lister. I started to think that maybe I should put it away. But honestly, I can’t stop. I’m terrified that if I don’t capture that moment, I’ll forget it forever. And I can’t forget — this could be my only shot at being a mom. I read something recently from a woman who had a daughter and was trying for a second, but things we’re moving slowly and with complications. I have never read anything that resonated more with me in my entire life. She said she felt as if she was trying to balance gratefulness and longing. It’s true — I couldn’t be more grateful for my beautiful son. But every moment of every day is also filled with longing for the second child I have yet to meet.

Also, thanks to the ordeal from a few months ago, I’ve found myself in mysterious territory. For the first time in my life, I don’t trust my body. Growing up, it was one of the few things I could consistently rely on. I told it to run fast, it would. I asked it to jump high, no problem. Now, in my 30s, I asked it to safely carry a child and it couldn’t. I asked it to conceive again, and it won’t. I finally understand how healthy people can end up taking a wrong turn because I feel I might be doing it myself. All of a sudden I’m eating more, drinking more, and exercising less — all because I’m mad at this garbage body of mine. The most frustrating part is I know EXACTLY what I’m doing and the consequences, but I don’t care. I’m angry that genetics, fate and whatever else reason I can come up with stole something from me. And the only thing I can take it out on is this empty shell of a body I was left with.

Wow. That was quite the tangent. Unfortunately, that’s how my mind works these days. Happy, happy, happy… plunge into extreme sadness… happy again. It’s a wild ride. I think I’ll end this super strange brain dump of a blog post with a few funny stories from the birthday weekend.

  • We rode the Georgetown Loop, which blew E’s mind. Especially the part where “Mr. Conductor” came by and punched his ticket. On the way home, Vera (his cousin) and Elliott had a lively discussion over a Ziploc bag full of ice. V was holding it on her knee, which she had scraped. E was trying to reach over the seat and open it. V, being the good girl that she is, politely said, “no, we can’t open the bag, Elliott.” E just gave her the cheesy smile and said, “yes.” They traded yesses and nos for about 5 minutes. All polite, no escalation, all with a cheesy fake smile. My son the terrible con artist.
  • After begging me to sing Happy Birthday to him over and over, when the big moment finally came at his party, he tried to hide his face in his chair to make it stop. (Like mother, like son.)

 

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