The internet is a dark, dark place for parents with newborns. If you’ve ever had a question about ANYTHING in regards to your baby, the internet has at least a thousand different answers for you. And of course, since you’re up at all hours of the day and night, you spend too much time on your phone as a slave to The Google. “What are the symptoms of acid reflux?” “How many naps should my 2 month old be taking?” “How much sleep does my newborn need?” “How dangerous is it for my baby to sleep in a rock and play?” All of these and more I’ve searched, and not a single time did I get a straight forward answer I was satisfied with. So, since 99% of my questions revolve around sleep, I decided to bring in an expert. I hired a sleep consultant.

Honestly, I had my doubts. She wasn’t exactly cheap, and the whole thing kind of felt like I was being sold snake oil. You’re really going to help me figure out a newborn’s napping issues? Yeah right, lady. From what I’ve seen, newborns only obey one thing. And that’s absolutely nothing.

However, I was desperate. Benji is — how do I say this — a difficult sleeper. Naps are a joke. He won’t sleep more than 20-30 minutes unless he’s strapped to my body. I’ve tried the car (hates it), the stroller (hates it), the rock and play (hates it), his crib (REALLY hates it). Unless the mattress is made of living, breathing human, he’s not having it. Unfortunately for him, his mommy is not much of a people person and gets touched out by about noon everyday. Not to mention, wearing 13 lbs of baby is like being pregnant all over again, but worse. My back was killing me. So, enter sleep lady.

We had a 30 minute phone call where I told her about Benji and his neverending FOMO and she gave me a few painfully simple ideas to try. Don’t let him have more than an hour and a half of awake time. Make his room dark. Use a sound machine, medium volume, white noise only. Swaddle him. Rock for a few minutes, then place him in his crib or rock and play with a pacifier. Walk away. No seriously. She told me to just walk away.

I’m not going to lie, it sounded like witchcraft. But I tried it, and sure as shit the Benji boy just fell asleep on his own. No hour of rocking and bouncing. No crazy thrashing and punching me in the face. It was a miracle.

Since that first day, we’ve had mixed success with our new little routine, but overall things are SO much better. Naps are still a ridiculous exercise in insanity, but at least bedtime is a breeze (for now). And the moral of the story? Stay away from the internet, friends. Unless it’s to Google someone who actually knows what they’re doing.