Back to work

When I walked into the office this morning it was dark. I guess that’s what things look like around here at 7:30 a.m. I wouldn’t know because I’ve never really gotten to work that early before except on a few special occasions. But 7:30 a.m. will be my new arrival time. 8 a.m. on a bad day. Whoa.

E and mommy before work.

Looking at my desk was like looking at some kind of ancient archaeological dig site. Everything was exactly how I left it except covered in dust. It was like a window into my old life, pre-E me preserved in a bottle. I booted up my computer, opened my inbox, and stared at the 3,500+ emails that were waiting for me. It seems my out of office message did A LOT of good. Sigh. I pushed the delete button hard. With one hand. Because I had to pump.

After putting my kid’s midmorning snack into the office fridge (weird), something came over me. I MUST CLEAN. All of a sudden I was recycling stack after stack of old papers and wiping down every surface with Clorox wipes. It was so frenzied I was practically foaming at the mouth. Cleaning is kind of a normal stress response for me, but this cleaning rampage was just a little different. I felt a strong need to erase all of it. I couldn’t stand looking at these artifacts of the way things were. I didn’t want any reminders — I’m a new person, so my office should be too.

As I tore through the paper stacks, people started to show up at work and I was greeted with tons of warm welcomes and “Whoa! It’s Tara!” I’m not going to lie, it was nice. I missed seeing all of these adult faces and having all of these varied grown up conversations. Yes, we talked about my boy, but we talked about other things too. I felt a little bit more well rounded already.

After I sifted through my emails, finished my cleaning binge and said hi to all my work friends, I had to sit down. My head was humming. Only 3 hours in, and I was totally exhausted. I hadn’t used my mind this much in so long it felt like it was melting. Not to worry though, because I had the perfect excuse to sit. It was time to pump again (ugh)! That’s going to get really old, really fast.

The afternoon was a blur. Catching up on projects, figuring out what I’ll need to work on in the coming weeks, answering more emails, pumping again, eating candy, doing whatever bits of work I actually felt comfortable doing (i.e. I know it well enough not to screw it up).  More head spinning.

A little play time before work this morning.

So, to summarize, my first day back at work was… interesting. Yes, I had to pump and yes I was only running on about 5 hours of sleep, so I felt different, but work was the same. And I was happy about that. For once in 12 weeks something is delightfully just how I remember it. Of course it’s going to be hard, but I ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. That’s a feeling I haven’t had in forever. Plus, I can pee when I want and I finished my lunch on my own schedule. No matter how hard it is to leave E’s little face at daycare, I think in the end working is what’s right for me and my family at this moment. In the end, I’ll be a better mom because of it.